It's an everlasting feeling that always comes to the surface on weekends like this. Usually when I am around people of my own age. It takes a day or so to emerge. No clue where it comes from, don't know the reason, the origin.
It's not the past. I didn't got bullied, pushed away. I had friends, enough of them. A loving family. There is no one to blame, really, and no need to blame anyway.
It's the gap between yourself and the others. This gap I can't define, but it has been there all the time. Not that I have any problems with talking to people, liking them, being liked, socializing in general. It is the feeling of not being part of them, of their group, the feeling of being an outsider.
It might be due to my lack of conformation. I make my own plans, I do not wait for 'the rest' if I don't want to, I don't join 'the group' when I don't feel like it. I am not ashamed of a different opinion, a different view. Maybe it is a punishment for not conforming to social rules. Or maybe it is just my own choice of not being a member.
But after all, I normally don't mind. I don't feel lonely. I feel at ease sitting alone, wandering around by myself. There are few moments I start wondering if I am the only one. But sometimes I do. Non-lonely-loners who like daydreaming and good company who live half in the social world and the other half in their own?
I never feel lonely when I am alone, rather with others around.
