Singsong

Music by singer-songwriters is excellent music to listen to if you want to be a little alternative but can't stand electric guitars or when you just want to get into a depression.

Occasionally I come across a singer-songwriter that I like but usually I find them whiny and just want to punch them in the face, tell them to get the fuck over it and be a man. Because they are usually men. Skinny men with dark weary eyes and at least fifty percent of them has a beard. I do like composers with dark weary eyes and beards, but then they are from Poland and compose classical music about the holocaust. They lock themselves up in cellars and are usually long dead, by suicide.

No, then the singer- songwriter. He starts of his career as Bringer of the Nagging Song in his late twenties (because before that age you cannot grow a full beard). His name is usually pretty long and difficult and he has to be grateful to YouTube for giving suggestions when you start typing, or else you will never be able to find his music.

His first album will have a short title that makes you wonder, like 'Fog'. It could also be a very long name like 'Confessions of an old one-legged man in a secret garden'. As long as it makes you wonder, it is perfect. The cover of the album should be some kind of vintage photograph of a senseless place. The singer-songwriter will receive his first fame by giving in depth-interviews at late-night radio shows and playing his first single, 'I Sail Away In My Dusty Canoe', unplugged on guitar. And us listeners will tremble with empathy because of his sad lyrics about his disturbed childhood and lonely roadtrips.

It is of great importance that you do not become too famous. For example, John Mayer, he is not underground anymore, that makes him uninteresting. This is probably because his name is way too easy for being a real singer-songwriter (he has no beard as well). Same goes for James Blunt. He has more of the dark weary eyes than John Mayer has, and he even has stubbles, but: too famous.

No, let's talk about singer-songwrites like James Vincent McMorrow (now thát's a name!). I have to admit I do like one or two songs but he is just the perfect example of the modern singer-songwriter. He is Irish, a beard, a difficult name and writes songs like 'Early in the Morning I come calling' and 'We Don't Eat'. We do not know if James is one of those pricks that phones you out of bed or might be a representative of the Anorexia Society, but at least: he makes you wonder!

Another example I stumbled upon and gave me enough inspiration to write this entry was 'Phosphorescent'. (again, thank you youtube because I had no clue how to spell it). I listened to his most popular song called Wolves. The song is about an awful childhood trauma of the singer, namely: he thinks there are wolves in his house. With an unstable voice (I already started trembling full of empathy) he brings us the following lyrics:

They tumble and fight
And they're beautiful
On the hilltops at night
They are beautiful

Apparently, this is what Matthew Houck (that is his real name. Good undergroundy choice of artist name isn't it),  thinks about when he thinks of wolves. Wolves tumble and they are beautiful. We just forget for a moment that wolves like to tear you apart, eat your guts and will drool on your heart while doing so, and will sniff your genitals when they are done with you. No, wolves just tumble around a bit on hilltops at night. The singer- songwriter reduces the wolf to something with the same reputation as a hamster, in exactly the same way he replaces good lyrics with unbearable poetry, 'what-the-hell-is-he-talking-about' or just plain bullshit.

But worst of all, he changes feelings towards bearded men from fear and admiration to empathy and pity, by replacing their axes by guitars. Where are the times bearded men with guitars used to be named Kerry King and instead of complaining about their traumas, traumatized us by yelling: God Hates Us All!- ?