Compared to a year ago it is more quite now. Last year I just lost my head in my job. Just a little bit too much death underneath my hands. I can't say this from the past year. I cannot say I have been working my ass of the whole time, not with studies, neither with work. My last exam will be in two and a half hours and I am pretty sure I will fail it. I didn't manage to do it, I don't know it, I don't understand it. Not that there is plenty to lose, but still, I despise failing. It's not like last year where I would have been trying to keep myself together, just those last weeks. When I look at the summer pictures from last summer I can see it: I look terrible. Tired and worn- out. Now I have just been staring at the walls and inspecting the tiny new piece of scar tissue on my knee. I just couldn't do it. Stuck and anxious and I know I won't feel this sense of relief when I walk out of the lecture hall in a couple of hours, finished with my third year of studies. I will have failed and too much has happened this year. I can't leave it all behind with closing the doors of University this time.
I got all I wanted, now there's too much to lose.
