Where dreams come true!

I was strolling down the lovely suburbs of Castletroy to get fresh air and kill the time.

Decided to take the other direction than to University, 'cause I never walked that road before and I was wondering where I would end up.

So, I ended up at this shopping area with huge malls, filled with garden equipment, electronic devices and whatsoever. When I was on my wack back, a sign on a shop caught my attention.

Bathrooms & Tiles

 where dreams come true!

Commercial phrases like this always strike me in some way. It awakens the communist in me.

Where dreams come true. What do they mean by that?

Consider the case that I am in desperate need of a new toilet. What would the implications for my future life be if I buy my new toilet in this particular store? Will taking a piss every morning on my marvellous toilet give me so much inspiration that I can live my dreams? Is it the case that when my skin touches this tremendous toilet seat, I will be illuminated with grand ideas about how to live up to my expectations?

Or even better! Taking a dump on this object of Awesomeness is my dream, my goal in life, and now I am finally able to reach this glorious moment in my personal history!

Because this is exactly what matters in life! My new toilet will make my dreams come true! Coca Cola Light will provide me creativity, and my fabric softener will make all the men stare and sniff at my dress. And of course, I should not forget to buy this particular brand of fish fingers when I have my own happy family, because my children will love me as never before and think of me as the best mum ever. I will buy my cat Whiskas, because your pet will love you even more, especially when you feed him the specific salmon-and-peas edition of the catfood. And every time guests will come to my place, they will immediatly freeze when they enter my living room, and wonder: 'what is this excuisite scent?' Thank God I bought this scent-of-pinewood-in-a-bottle-for-in-your-home, because without that, what a terrible housewife I would be! And as a finishing touch, my automatic soap dispenser, because a healthy life starts with clean hands. Because I'm worth it.

Oh, how bright is my future!

~

This sickening attitude of being forced to perfect your life makes me wanna throw up. Excuse me, but my dreams are not in the slightest bit related to a god damn bathroom. I can be gorgeous, irresistable, creative, smart, and most of all, blissful, without all this, and until my own toilet breaks in two and I end up decapitated in the drain, I will stick to the point that is is only me who can make my dreams come true.

Things that put a smile on my face

I love the British sense of adventure:

I was watching tv and this programme "Living the Wildlife" came up.

The introduction was full of shots of hyena's and lions, but what was the actual concent of the episode?

Mushroom Hunting in Wicklow.

Good Morning Isolation

Could think of a worse morning.

Good thing I start taking care of myself again. My mind is calming down, finally.

I still have double feelings; I would have loved to go on the trip this weekend but it might be good to spend some time on my own as well.

Glimpse of a Past Life

Apparently, my very old Vampirefreaks account still exists. And look what I found!

If I could only talk to my sixteen-year old, sweet, ambitious and a little narcistic self... ♥

Late night shifts

Why do I always need about twelve hours after waking up until my brains finally start working properly?

I started at eleven pm. reading sociology and finally getting somewhere!
Eating chocolate and accompanied by a nice glass of red wine I'm sitting on my bed, doing my readings.

I like the view of my bed covered in books & papers, pens & markers.

I like the fact that I finally tidied my room and now that it is now possible to walk from my door to my desk without jumping over all the mess on the floor.

I like to cross out things in my red leather to-do-notebook.

I like things getting done!

 Studying back home.

Self pity

Today is going to be my first day of quarantine, hurray! I felt quite shit yesterday but when I went to bed, I decided to get over it when I would wake up. And that's what I did.

I always like the moments when you wake up, you remember feeling crappy last day and decide not to bother anymore.

Kick yourself out of bed, hit the shower, eat something, put on your boots and go outside.

Rock & Roll on the headphones and just do what you have to do, no more bullshit.

I love to kick my own ass.

I consider feeling sorry for yourself the worst feeling in the world. Being sad is okay, there's nothing wrong with accepting that you don't feel well. Everybody has his/her bad days and that's fine. But the feeling you're not able to cope with being sad, let the negative feelings take over... I always feel so bloody pathetic when that happens.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - definetely true, but it only  works if you give yourself some time to feel the way you do and then get the fuck over it. Self pity is the most pathetic emotion in the world. It is such a human thing. You will never find an animal feeling sorry for itself, even when it's starving or freezes to death. It has no survival value at all. Fact.

It ain't easy, I must admit. There are many times when it would be easier and nicer to just be pathetic, lay in your bed the whole day and feel very very sorry for yourself. But the feeling after kicking your own ass is so worth it. As long as you're able to do so, then do it. No one likes weak, pathetic people, and the person you are in the way the most is yourself.

Home

Luimneach

I've been living in Ireland since late August and I have finally come to the point where my mind is in such an ease I am able to write something down. Today the school nurse told me I have mumps, what makes me feel like a contaminated zombie since I am obliged to stay home for five days. Can't go to school, meet people, and the worst thing is I had a trip this weekend where I was really looking forward to.

But that's life I guess, and here I am now, alone in my extremely messy room, in the shitehole Castletroy in Limerick, listening to music that fascilitates thinking and trying to clear my thoughts.

Which is not an easy thing to do. As the lyrics of one of my favourite Puscifer songs so well describes:

changes come, the storm will blow up your horizon

 and as a storm it feels indeed.

I have always been a person who looks at the future. Long-term planning, proper thinking of what I want in life, looking for good and sensible opportunities. At least, I thought I was such a person.

But things are changing, altough it is hard to describe what exactly. My always well-structured prefrontal cortex starts to let me down a bit. Or is it just the amygdala reclaiming its place? Oh dear, hear the psychologist-to-be rambling about brain structures. This ever-dominating rationality starts to annoy me. 

Ireland is a good place for dreaming. I need my daily amount of dreaming. People who know me are familiar with this trait of mine. I have become quite skilled in it, I am able to stop my eyes from watching, I can get them in their staring position on command. Time has made it easy to regulate the dreaming. No, I take that back. Regulating is not the correct description. I am able to start dreaming, but finishing is harder, and anything that happens in between I cannot regulate at all. 

I think the world does not like me grim. It likes me melancholic, but not miserable.

I have found myself a couple of times now sitting in the easy chairs in the library, my feet on the heater, some beloved ambient on my headphones and staring at the raindrops sliding down the giant window. I have always loved to watch raindrops on the glass. Gravity makes it into a race where they run down eachothers earlier formed paths, catch up with eachother, two drops become one big drop. The big drops are heavier, faster. The big ones always win. Its a simple rule of gravity, a simple rule of life.

I feel far from a big heavy raindrop winning the race of gravity. More like a tiny drop who is not following the former made paths of water, but struggling its way down the parts of the glass which are still dry. Those drops usually seem to tremble a bit.

I am perfectly fine with being a tiny raindrop, having the knowledge I will probably not win this contest. I enjoy watching the tiny drops while sitting at the library window.

I enjoy watching the grass and the trees outside too. There's lots of green at this University. 

The view distracts me from everything. Reading, studying or whatever what I was planning on doing. It is a good thing I'm writing this down right now. If I wouldn't, tomorrow would be the same: a day of dreaming.

It is not the case that I dislike dreaming. It is more of a habit, a need, like breathing, eating and drinking. The thing that bothers me these days it that my thoughts seem to go nowhere. Normally I'm just thinking about weird of pointless things, but these days, everything is cloudy. I even don't know what I would like to dream about anymore.

My mum told me to get some proper sleep, rest, be kind to myself. I know, I know. I stay up too late. Sometimes without a purpose. I should not do that tonight. Tomorrow I will buy groceries for the upcoming five days of quarantine: bread, milk, something nice to drink, loads of chocolate, crisps, and ofcourse things for dinner. Tomorrow I will clean up my room. Get all the loose paper together, take my clothes of the floor, sort out my laundry. Tomorrow I will write a postcard to my grandparents. 

Tomorrow I will study, do the things I should do. Tomorrow, my thought might be a little less cloudy.

But tomorrow will be another day of dreaming, again.