Desolate

I have crossed the polar circle in Norway today. When you turn your back to the tourist centre, this desolate atmosphere is what's left. I can't get enough of it.

Oppdal

I love hiking!

Trondheim

Little by little, one travels far.

Oslo

I left Oslo yesterday morning and I still haven't figured out whether I liked it or not.

Quarter to nine - Does it ever get dark?

Fagernes / Leira

This place is very pretty and I loved hiking today. Although it was a write short and easy one, having mud on my boots and wind I my face makes me smile. Also, I am finishing books and the coffee is good and strong.

Oh and by the way, there is no wifi. To be fair, the only thing I hate about it is being out of contact with my loved one. Apart from that... it's such a relief!

Twijfels.

In de stilte van de Noorse bergen krijg ik eindelijk de ademruimte om na te denken. Niet te tobben of te piekeren, maar denken over zaken die er toe doen. Helaas betekent nadenken vaak twijfelen. En vooral nadenken in een ander land roept twijfels op.
Want het is zo fijn, dit leven. Rondreizen naar nieuwe plekken. Ik begin te begrijpen waar die oude hippies het altijd over hadden. Dat je hard moet studeren om te kunnen werken om geld te verdienen om dingen te kunnen kopen die je niet wilt of niet nodig hebt. Er is een soort angst in mij wakker geworden, een angst om straks verstrikt te zijn in het web van diagnoses en instanties en regels, waar de grondbeginselen; een passie voor het menselijk denken en doen, een onverzadigbare interesse, zijn verdwenen. Ga ik nog wel zo gelukkig worden van het volgen van dit pad als dat ik in het begin dacht? Ik ben al vaker en zijspoor ingeslagen en dat viel altijd mee. En meevallen is zacht uitgedrukt, het was vaak prachtig; de pieken en dalen van komen en gaan, van blijven en vertrekken, van vasthouden en loslaten, wachten en kiezen, doen en laten. Van verstandig zijn, op je bek gaan, in de zevende hemel zijn, zandhappen, door de grond zaken, met lood in je schoenen toppen bereiken, stijgen en dalen.

Branden, branden, branden, en ik weet niet in hoeverre dat op mijn huidige weg kan, afgezien van opbranden.

Going up North

In three days I will start the trip to Scandinavia. I just finished my four first shifts at forensic departments and I liked it, especially the last two ones. Right now I am getting my room in Utrecht ready to leave it for two months. I don't know when I will get back yet, I haven't booked my return ticket. I look forward to going away again, it has been two months now since my last trip (which was also to Sweden), and I'm very excited about the nature so far up north in Scandinavia. I also keep my fingers crossed that we will get an opportunity so spot whales, that has been a dream since I was a little girl. So yes. Apart from some friends that I would have rather stayed close to at the moment and a financial situation that is still quite difficult, I can't wait to leave Holland for some time. The summer weather has been non-existent here, and I don't mind at all if it's not 30 degrees but I don't like those grey rainy days. I hope there will be plenty of days that sun and wind will burn the skin of my cheeks.
It is going to be interesting to go on a vacation with my parents and little brother again. The last two years I have been getting along with my parents very well so I don't see much troubles, but things have been running less smoothly between my parents and my little brother. Since I moved out and spend the first semester abroad, I noticed much less of this than I would have when spending a lot of time at home, but I am very aware that things aren't going great. I really hope this will not affect the holiday too much. And it's going to be an interesting situation anyway because we will be spending days together in the car and in small cabins.
Anyway, it's exciting. I wonder what kind of things we will encounter this time, so far my parent's and I have overcome floods, bomb threats and camping next to nuclear plants... so Lapland, bring it on.
After three weeks of travelling up north through Norway and going back south through Sweden, my dear parents will drop me of at my beloved boyfriend who I haven't seen for two months by then. Something I look forward to a lot as well. I have to confess I found the last weeks difficult. It might have been due to the fact that it were the last weeks of school, when I usually tend to start feeling somewhat exhausted, but to be fair, I was just an insecure little bitch. I'm usually quite confident about myself and my relationship and when I don't, I have ways to deal with it. It just didn't work this time so I ended up having sleepless nights and intrusive thoughts, wandering around during the day, not taking care of myself, unable to study and staring at the walls.  After finishing and passing my exams I fortunately started to feel much better. I hope it was a temporary thing because I hate being a mess.
Upcoming weeks should reload my battery to serious hights 'cause I'm gonna need that power the upcoming year of studies. And the year afterwards. My last year of bachelor will consist of trying to pass my minor in criminology and do my bachelor thesis, and all of that with good grades. I will also try to boost my working experience and find an internship, so all in all it's going to be... well, tough. I hope the Scandinavian winds will blow last year's mess and troubles out of my brains (yes, I'd like to believe the wind clears my brain) and that I will return clear and energetic for a Hell of a year.

A day of snapshots

Midnight waves

because I just really want to talk to someone. Doesn't matter about what really. I had a lonely walk to the train station through the dark forest-y area I work in. It was at the point I was walking down a hill and couldn't see where to put my feet when I started to feel uncomfortable. Who knows what kind of people did not return from being on leave and wander around at that place. Anyway, by the time I managed to get someone on the phone I already reached the train station so I decided to talk to mum all the way home, so I almost felt as busy as all the dressed- up people on the train who were ready to go party. My Saturday night consisted of chilled chocolate milk, salad, cheese, crackers and episodes of Criminal Minds. I do not want to complain about solitude and neither I want to whine about my new job. But the attitude from my colleagues to psychology students in general depresses me. I know they would prefer to work with people they are familiar with and yes, I know I don't know shit about 'the real deal', there is not much I can do yet apart from reading books and making exams. But seriously, I am trying. I am trying so hard to become something more than the programmed young female psychology graduate who 'likes to help people'. I am trying so hard to be a little bit different, a little better, a little more involved, but it seems as the closer I get, the more hope I am losing. To be honest, the thought of not getting a job, or becoming a psychologist who makes shitty diagnoses and just asks 'so, how have you been this week?'... my God, it's sickening. I don't want to get stuck in this niggling world of over confident health professionals who do not seem to have a passion for people. Stuck into procedures and patient folders and deciding which medication to use.
I am starting to feel incapable. I would rather have people saying straight to my face: you know what, love? You don't know shit. But they don't. It's the looks on their faces when shaking hands with 'the new one', the way they smile when you tell them you're 'just a student'. I am not wanted. I know. Don't pretend otherwise, you don't have to be a psychology student to notice, let alone a fucking mindreader. But at least give me a damn chance. Have some faith. Please put some energy in me to learn me something. I can do all the dirty jobs the whole shift long but just grant me the experience.



I'm tired.

I love you very much, he said, you know that right?
And I said, yes, I do
and I love you too
but sometimes I suspect
we both
actually
don't really have a clue.

Rememer me?

Hi, remember me? The girl who doesn't dare to sleep with the lights out. Who couldn't read a chapter on zombies because it was too scary. The one that had nightmares from Batman movies. The one that watches Harry Potter from hidden underneath a blanket. The one that runs to the bathroom at night, in case of monsters. Hi, remember me? The girl that got extremely upset when people got angry at her. The one that wants to be liked and considered nice. The one that takes criticism extremely serious. The one that hates fighting, the one that hates arguing.
So yeah, hi, it's me again. I just finished my shift at the department for mentally insane offenders. What I did today? I took two of them to the grocery store. It was lots of fun. Yes, mum, I went alone with them. If I brought a taser- gun, beloved boyfriend? *giggle* Of course not. It's not dangerous, no need to be scared. I love you too. Don't worry about me, I'll be safe.

Sad but true

You know? That kind of news that makes the world stop turning for a moment. Young people getting ripped out of life, family left behind. It just happens too often. It really gets to me every single time and still I haven't found anything sensible to say to those that are left behind. You know? That kind of news that makes you realise how lucky you are to have your loved ones. It reminds you what the important things in life really are. Forget about your little daily problems. Tell people how much they mean to you. To enjoy every second in life and appreciate all of it. All the things you learn, see and experience. All the great people you meet and all the happy memories you create. You know? It can be gone in just a few seconds.

A wise title

I'm so artsy

I am running out of bandshirts to slaughter & reincarnate. But I love the result though, they keep getting better

ZERO SUM // NIN

Do you remember the time we...

And all the times we...

And should have...

And were going to...

I know

And I know you remember

How we could justify it all

And we knew better

In our hearts, we knew better

And we told ourselves it didn't matter

And we chose to continue

And none of that matters anymore

In the hour of our twilight

And soon it will be all said and done

And we will all be back together as one

If we will continue at all

And you never get away
And you never get to take the easy way
And all of this is a consequence
Brought on by our own hand
If you believe in that sort of thing
And did you ever really find
When you closed your eyes
Any place that was still
And at peace?

And I guess I just wanted to tell you
As the light starts to fade
That you are the reason
That I am not afraid
And I guess I just wanted to mention
As the heavens will fall
We will be together soon if we
Will be anything at all