Midnight waves

because I just really want to talk to someone. Doesn't matter about what really. I had a lonely walk to the train station through the dark forest-y area I work in. It was at the point I was walking down a hill and couldn't see where to put my feet when I started to feel uncomfortable. Who knows what kind of people did not return from being on leave and wander around at that place. Anyway, by the time I managed to get someone on the phone I already reached the train station so I decided to talk to mum all the way home, so I almost felt as busy as all the dressed- up people on the train who were ready to go party. My Saturday night consisted of chilled chocolate milk, salad, cheese, crackers and episodes of Criminal Minds. I do not want to complain about solitude and neither I want to whine about my new job. But the attitude from my colleagues to psychology students in general depresses me. I know they would prefer to work with people they are familiar with and yes, I know I don't know shit about 'the real deal', there is not much I can do yet apart from reading books and making exams. But seriously, I am trying. I am trying so hard to become something more than the programmed young female psychology graduate who 'likes to help people'. I am trying so hard to be a little bit different, a little better, a little more involved, but it seems as the closer I get, the more hope I am losing. To be honest, the thought of not getting a job, or becoming a psychologist who makes shitty diagnoses and just asks 'so, how have you been this week?'... my God, it's sickening. I don't want to get stuck in this niggling world of over confident health professionals who do not seem to have a passion for people. Stuck into procedures and patient folders and deciding which medication to use.
I am starting to feel incapable. I would rather have people saying straight to my face: you know what, love? You don't know shit. But they don't. It's the looks on their faces when shaking hands with 'the new one', the way they smile when you tell them you're 'just a student'. I am not wanted. I know. Don't pretend otherwise, you don't have to be a psychology student to notice, let alone a fucking mindreader. But at least give me a damn chance. Have some faith. Please put some energy in me to learn me something. I can do all the dirty jobs the whole shift long but just grant me the experience.



I'm tired.