and I would ask this little girl what it is like to have no fear

Late night appetite

I just fried eggs and bacon and finished my pack of cereals.

Yes, I have a massive late-night appetite and after my first months living on my own, the gained kilos are starting to emerge on my body. But well, ofcourse, I will lose that weight again when I get back home, so I happily keep on frying bacon at one o'clock.

I actually don't have a late night appetite for just food but for anything really. So many things are better at night: studying, movies, parties, conversations, listening to music, writing... when it's dark outside, inspiration comes faster, thoughts flow more smoothly and it is always easier to say the things you want to say.

It is now twenty minutes past one and for some reason it becomes harder and harder to go to bed, but I should. Tomorrow I will go to Belfast with my roommates and we'll be back the day after tomorrow. Then I have one day left to study and then isnmy final exam.

Time has been flying on warp speed here in Ireland, and I look forward to see my family again with Christmas, but it will not be an easy Christmas.

I will be home for only one week though, after that I will return to Ireland, stay there for one day and the 30th of December I'm going to Scotland to climb Ben Nevis. I am so looking forward to this, even though I know it is going to be very very tough because I'm not fit at all, not used to so much snow and such low temperatures. But I love the challenge and as long as I don't disappoint myself by giving up too soon, it is going to be great!

I will now make an attempt to force myself to bed, trying to ignore my notebook silently which yelling "WRITE!". Goodnight!

40

fourty months

and I wonder where the Hell this is going

Yuk

Something that really annoys and disgusts me at the same time are those people who use Facebook or other social network platforms as a kind of medical record. You might have a few of those people in your friends list, but one is actually already enough to annoy the shit out of you. Too bad for you that you have a stomach flu, but seriously, updating your status with facts that your intestines are empty now and that you hope the suppository pill will work... too much information! You know, those people who visit their GP on a weekly base and keep us informed with all the things that have been said during that consultation.

I do not want to know all this! Especially if you, in this case, suffer from a vivid imagination. I don't want to know that you are shoving up pills in your ass, that you have been puking all day, I don't wanna hear about your wounds and your blisters and diseases!

Don't those people have any shame? It is just unnatural! When my dog is sick, he feels embarrassed and weak and hides under the table until it is over. Why do those people feel the urge to share all their diseases with me, let alone that they think that I am actually interested?!

Okay I admit, I am guilty of informing Facebook that I was suffering from mumps, but come on, I did not give an elaborate description of my swollen glands. I understand the need to inform others when you are unwell, but please, I beg you, spare me all the bodily details in the future, because it fucking sickens me.

Blue Velvet

It's a sunny, woodsy day in Lumberton, so get those chainsaws out.

The knowledge that seeking the favour of another
Means the murder of self.

Silence speeds the path to the streams of solace that run so few and narrow.
Brooks that babble the sounds of torture, the sounds of torture
You will one day rise.

I will show you all that I have mastered
Fear. Pain. Hatred. Power.
This is the Art of Ruin.

Conclusion of today

DOGS

they should not wear orange tshirts.

Woke up from the rain blowing through my window. Doesn't matter, I needed to wake up anyway. I am now resurrecting with baked beans, coffee & Tom Waits. After breakfast and a shower I will conquer the Irish weather to visit the library. Today will be a grey day and I realise I'm kind of fond of a little misery.

Misery is the river of the world, everybody row, everybody row!

Translation from my little notebook

20 October 2009

Half past seven in the morning, it is still dark and my breath forms tiny clouds in the cold air.

Five minutes delay. I huddle up in my scarf a little more. Look back one more time. The sky above me is dark, but the sky above you is already turning pink, yellow and purple, as soft as the blankets under which you can sleep for a little longer.

I miss you already.

Mucha

Uneven

It's an everlasting feeling that always comes to the surface on weekends like this. Usually when I am around people of my own age. It takes a day or so to emerge. No clue where it comes from, don't know the reason, the origin.

It's not the past. I didn't got bullied, pushed away. I had friends, enough of them. A loving family. There is no one to blame, really, and no need to blame anyway.

It's the gap between yourself and the others. This gap I can't define, but it has been there all the time. Not that I have any problems with talking to people, liking them, being liked, socializing in general. It is the feeling of not being part of them, of their group, the feeling of being an outsider.

It might be due to my lack of conformation. I make my own plans, I do not wait for 'the rest' if I don't want to, I don't join 'the group' when I don't feel like it. I am not ashamed of a different opinion, a different view. Maybe it is a punishment for not conforming to social rules. Or maybe it is just my own choice of not being a member. 

But after all, I normally don't mind. I don't feel lonely. I feel at ease sitting alone, wandering around by myself. There are few moments I start wondering if I am the only one. But sometimes I do. Non-lonely-loners who like daydreaming and good company who live half in the social world and the other half in their own?

I never feel lonely when I am alone, rather with others around.

London

 

 

2,5 years later

Back from London

I just returned from London. It was the third time I had the chance to enjoy this marvellous city.

Good coffee at Picadilly in the morning, shopping at the vintage shops at Camden Market, strolling down the lovely parks, Buckingham Palace & the expensive stores at Oxford Street at night.

Watching the lights of Big Ben and the London Eye at the other side of the Thames, and many more things that happened in London & stay in London. I made the wish I didn't have to go back to Limerick many times, it is such an amazing city and I had some amazing company as well. I am now going to sort out my luggage and see if I can get some sleep until the normal life starts again tomorrow morning, hoping for some fine dreams about the good memories I have.

LONDON

Going to London tomorrow with three Swedish friends!
We're planning on doing some really awesome things, I'm so excited!
I am packing at the moment, being obsessed with the great What To Wear - question.

 Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait.

 

Muscle ache

What a stupid thing I quit sports some years ago. I just got back from indoor climbing and again realised how much I like the pain in my arms and legs, and the tiny blisters on my hands.

I forgot that I like running until I really can't run anymore, pushing the limits.

I'm angry at myself I didn't keep up with the yoga exercises so that I had to come down from the climbing wall due to the very bad cramps in my feet.

But it's not too late to pick it up again, I'm not fat yet and my body remembers how to work. 

All those good intentions; I'd better keep up the good work when I'm back in Holland.

Karma Decrease

but I just cannot avoid thinking when I see this enormous stuffed-in-sweatpants-cellulitis-ass leaving the bus:

you should have walked.

especially when I'm seated and the Ass hits my shoulder on its way to the doors. I fucking hate that.

Contemplation

The road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow it, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet,

And whither then? I cannot say.

Nietzsche

There are epochs in which the man of reason and the man of intuition stand side by side. They both desire to rule over life.

Went outside for a few minutes today. Realised how much I missed some sun and wind.

It must suck so bad to be in prison, wow.

Where dreams come true!

I was strolling down the lovely suburbs of Castletroy to get fresh air and kill the time.

Decided to take the other direction than to University, 'cause I never walked that road before and I was wondering where I would end up.

So, I ended up at this shopping area with huge malls, filled with garden equipment, electronic devices and whatsoever. When I was on my wack back, a sign on a shop caught my attention.

Bathrooms & Tiles

 where dreams come true!

Commercial phrases like this always strike me in some way. It awakens the communist in me.

Where dreams come true. What do they mean by that?

Consider the case that I am in desperate need of a new toilet. What would the implications for my future life be if I buy my new toilet in this particular store? Will taking a piss every morning on my marvellous toilet give me so much inspiration that I can live my dreams? Is it the case that when my skin touches this tremendous toilet seat, I will be illuminated with grand ideas about how to live up to my expectations?

Or even better! Taking a dump on this object of Awesomeness is my dream, my goal in life, and now I am finally able to reach this glorious moment in my personal history!

Because this is exactly what matters in life! My new toilet will make my dreams come true! Coca Cola Light will provide me creativity, and my fabric softener will make all the men stare and sniff at my dress. And of course, I should not forget to buy this particular brand of fish fingers when I have my own happy family, because my children will love me as never before and think of me as the best mum ever. I will buy my cat Whiskas, because your pet will love you even more, especially when you feed him the specific salmon-and-peas edition of the catfood. And every time guests will come to my place, they will immediatly freeze when they enter my living room, and wonder: 'what is this excuisite scent?' Thank God I bought this scent-of-pinewood-in-a-bottle-for-in-your-home, because without that, what a terrible housewife I would be! And as a finishing touch, my automatic soap dispenser, because a healthy life starts with clean hands. Because I'm worth it.

Oh, how bright is my future!

~

This sickening attitude of being forced to perfect your life makes me wanna throw up. Excuse me, but my dreams are not in the slightest bit related to a god damn bathroom. I can be gorgeous, irresistable, creative, smart, and most of all, blissful, without all this, and until my own toilet breaks in two and I end up decapitated in the drain, I will stick to the point that is is only me who can make my dreams come true.

Things that put a smile on my face

I love the British sense of adventure:

I was watching tv and this programme "Living the Wildlife" came up.

The introduction was full of shots of hyena's and lions, but what was the actual concent of the episode?

Mushroom Hunting in Wicklow.

Good Morning Isolation

Could think of a worse morning.

Good thing I start taking care of myself again. My mind is calming down, finally.

I still have double feelings; I would have loved to go on the trip this weekend but it might be good to spend some time on my own as well.

Glimpse of a Past Life

Apparently, my very old Vampirefreaks account still exists. And look what I found!

If I could only talk to my sixteen-year old, sweet, ambitious and a little narcistic self... ♥

Late night shifts

Why do I always need about twelve hours after waking up until my brains finally start working properly?

I started at eleven pm. reading sociology and finally getting somewhere!
Eating chocolate and accompanied by a nice glass of red wine I'm sitting on my bed, doing my readings.

I like the view of my bed covered in books & papers, pens & markers.

I like the fact that I finally tidied my room and now that it is now possible to walk from my door to my desk without jumping over all the mess on the floor.

I like to cross out things in my red leather to-do-notebook.

I like things getting done!

 Studying back home.

Self pity

Today is going to be my first day of quarantine, hurray! I felt quite shit yesterday but when I went to bed, I decided to get over it when I would wake up. And that's what I did.

I always like the moments when you wake up, you remember feeling crappy last day and decide not to bother anymore.

Kick yourself out of bed, hit the shower, eat something, put on your boots and go outside.

Rock & Roll on the headphones and just do what you have to do, no more bullshit.

I love to kick my own ass.

I consider feeling sorry for yourself the worst feeling in the world. Being sad is okay, there's nothing wrong with accepting that you don't feel well. Everybody has his/her bad days and that's fine. But the feeling you're not able to cope with being sad, let the negative feelings take over... I always feel so bloody pathetic when that happens.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - definetely true, but it only  works if you give yourself some time to feel the way you do and then get the fuck over it. Self pity is the most pathetic emotion in the world. It is such a human thing. You will never find an animal feeling sorry for itself, even when it's starving or freezes to death. It has no survival value at all. Fact.

It ain't easy, I must admit. There are many times when it would be easier and nicer to just be pathetic, lay in your bed the whole day and feel very very sorry for yourself. But the feeling after kicking your own ass is so worth it. As long as you're able to do so, then do it. No one likes weak, pathetic people, and the person you are in the way the most is yourself.

Home

Luimneach

I've been living in Ireland since late August and I have finally come to the point where my mind is in such an ease I am able to write something down. Today the school nurse told me I have mumps, what makes me feel like a contaminated zombie since I am obliged to stay home for five days. Can't go to school, meet people, and the worst thing is I had a trip this weekend where I was really looking forward to.

But that's life I guess, and here I am now, alone in my extremely messy room, in the shitehole Castletroy in Limerick, listening to music that fascilitates thinking and trying to clear my thoughts.

Which is not an easy thing to do. As the lyrics of one of my favourite Puscifer songs so well describes:

changes come, the storm will blow up your horizon

 and as a storm it feels indeed.

I have always been a person who looks at the future. Long-term planning, proper thinking of what I want in life, looking for good and sensible opportunities. At least, I thought I was such a person.

But things are changing, altough it is hard to describe what exactly. My always well-structured prefrontal cortex starts to let me down a bit. Or is it just the amygdala reclaiming its place? Oh dear, hear the psychologist-to-be rambling about brain structures. This ever-dominating rationality starts to annoy me. 

Ireland is a good place for dreaming. I need my daily amount of dreaming. People who know me are familiar with this trait of mine. I have become quite skilled in it, I am able to stop my eyes from watching, I can get them in their staring position on command. Time has made it easy to regulate the dreaming. No, I take that back. Regulating is not the correct description. I am able to start dreaming, but finishing is harder, and anything that happens in between I cannot regulate at all. 

I think the world does not like me grim. It likes me melancholic, but not miserable.

I have found myself a couple of times now sitting in the easy chairs in the library, my feet on the heater, some beloved ambient on my headphones and staring at the raindrops sliding down the giant window. I have always loved to watch raindrops on the glass. Gravity makes it into a race where they run down eachothers earlier formed paths, catch up with eachother, two drops become one big drop. The big drops are heavier, faster. The big ones always win. Its a simple rule of gravity, a simple rule of life.

I feel far from a big heavy raindrop winning the race of gravity. More like a tiny drop who is not following the former made paths of water, but struggling its way down the parts of the glass which are still dry. Those drops usually seem to tremble a bit.

I am perfectly fine with being a tiny raindrop, having the knowledge I will probably not win this contest. I enjoy watching the tiny drops while sitting at the library window.

I enjoy watching the grass and the trees outside too. There's lots of green at this University. 

The view distracts me from everything. Reading, studying or whatever what I was planning on doing. It is a good thing I'm writing this down right now. If I wouldn't, tomorrow would be the same: a day of dreaming.

It is not the case that I dislike dreaming. It is more of a habit, a need, like breathing, eating and drinking. The thing that bothers me these days it that my thoughts seem to go nowhere. Normally I'm just thinking about weird of pointless things, but these days, everything is cloudy. I even don't know what I would like to dream about anymore.

My mum told me to get some proper sleep, rest, be kind to myself. I know, I know. I stay up too late. Sometimes without a purpose. I should not do that tonight. Tomorrow I will buy groceries for the upcoming five days of quarantine: bread, milk, something nice to drink, loads of chocolate, crisps, and ofcourse things for dinner. Tomorrow I will clean up my room. Get all the loose paper together, take my clothes of the floor, sort out my laundry. Tomorrow I will write a postcard to my grandparents. 

Tomorrow I will study, do the things I should do. Tomorrow, my thought might be a little less cloudy.

But tomorrow will be another day of dreaming, again.

Plain narcism

No make up, I look like having no age.

Arechontia Lachesis

alias the dead head moth. I love moths, especially this one!

Narcism

It's been some time

since I've been here. Last post was on april I saw, I actually thought it was much longer ago but anyway... should get on blogspot more often, because it's fun!

Make up fun

dark an crappy webcam pics to hide my make-up "skills".

But I still like painting my face black, like in the early days ;)

DARKO

 Why are you wearing that stupid human-suit?

The favourites

It's not a mystery which are my absolute favourite colours.

Christian Blanxer.
It kind of reminded me of myself. At least the clothes, the face is more like howIwouldliketolook.
But I wanted to share it anyway.

I like home.

Did I say that I need you, did I say that I want you?

And if I didn't, I'm a fool you see. No one knows this more than me.

Sloths

I'm a big sloth-collector. 'Cause I looove sloths! (:

Shoot

My very first photoshoot! I'm quite proud and happy with the result! Photography credits are for Wendy vd Bogert.

Sunday morning

cold sunny sunday morning. Should be doing lots of studying. I'm waiting for the photoshoot I'll be doing this afternoon, it's my first time I'm being a model. I'm quite nervous, actually, but looking forward to it.

DOUBT

Like, I do, these Dr. Martens. But my bank account definetely doesn't. I Am In Doubt.

To buy or not to buy, that's the ultimate question of today.

Brooke Shaden, I am in love with this work.

Hi

I got so absolutely annoyed by the extreme slowlness of Tublr, I deceided to try blogspot.